I feel that I have changed a lot in my life already, being only 24 years old. I have to get used to who I have become. Sometimes I’m thinking; would the “old” Christina have done that? I’m still living in the same body, it has of course also changed, but not as much as my mind. I have felt this sadness, like I never thought I could or would by losing someone close to my heart.
It has been three and a half years since my best friend decided to commit suicide. I know it can be strange to read but I think it is a huge problem that we are afraid to talk about death. Because we also don’t know how to talk with the people who were left behind with the sadness and pain. I am still struggling with this pain every day. It hurts, it just hurts. The thoughts about how I am never going to see him again, all my dreams and plans for the future, he should have been a part of them. And this is also a problem as I see it, because even though I am not proud to say it, I might have taken him a bit for granted when he was alive? He was there all the time when I needed him. I still have this feeling that he is just out travelling and one day he will suddenly come back, and when I get confronted with people that knew him, my world collapse all over again.
Smile and be positive
I have to smile back at the person in the mirror, the person that have changed so much. But I have changed into a person that have been through a lot, but I still just got through it stronger and tougher than I was before. I grew up the day my world just broke down. I am still thankful for all the help I got after his farewell. I feel that I will never get over his death, it broke my heart into millions of pieces, and I can’t imagine what pain the family must still experience or others that have lost their loved ones too.
He will always be in my mind and heart, but I am still here, and I have to get the most out of my life as a living. Sometimes I get so angry at him, and then I start thinking about all the things he is going to miss.
I love my life, I love the people I have in my life right now, don’t take me wrong. In the beginning, just after he did it, I had a hard time to trust that people would stay with me and not let my down or betray me.
I have to smile at the girl I see in the mirror. The girl that grew up and became a women. I have so many things I want to explore in the world and experience still, so I cannot be sad all the time. I make time to think about him with a smile on my face, but on the other hand I had to say goodbye to my best friend.
Maybe I see a stranger in the mirror, but I have to get used to her and start to get to know her. I want her to start smiling back at me so I can start to feel that everything is going to be okay and so I can start to remember only all the good things and the time I had with him.